99% Water, 1% Crazy

I ramble. A lot. I ramble about what's happened to me in the past, and what is happening to me right now. I ramble and like to predict what will happen to me in the future. But these 'predictions' aren't really that, it's me overthinking and worrying when I don't have to, about things I don't have to. Part of this is down to my 'mental condition' (which makes me sound like an absolute raving loon) but then the majority of it is just down to my character. I've always been an over-thinker, I get it from my mum, and she gets it from hers. But then sometimes I don't overthink at all, in fact, I do the exact opposite. Sometimes my brain abandons what I like to call its 'filter' and I say and do stuff without thinking. Literally the majority of my life consists of those moments where you can hear and feel yourself doing something that is so obviously going to embarrass you and scar others. And you're brain's screaming at you 'SHUT THE FUCK UP' but you're still doing it and, oh god, they're looking at you like you've just screamed 'Heil Hitler!' and made a really inappropriate joke about the holocaust. But, wait, you did just scream 'Heil Hitler!' and make an innapropriate joke about the holocaust.

The only way I can describe it is that my brain is like a Pink Floyd record. There's a lot of random thoughts and noises, clocks and shit, and somewhere in the middle there's a middle-aged man having his mid-life mental breakdown and

screaming off into the distance. My brain's just constantly working and buzzing and ticking over. And that's fine, at least Derren Brown can never hypnotise me. I'd just laugh in his face like, 'Derren, mate, my brain's too fucked up for this bullshit.' But I guess that's the curse of not being good at anything but using my imagination. Literally the only talent I have is being able to write stories and poems and shit. That's the only thing that's ever come naturally. That, and my hand-eye co-ordination is pretty baller.

Or it might be because I'm not 'right'. Because a couple of years ago, now I was 'sad'. And I still get 'sad' just not as 'bad' anymore. I should stop with the apostrophes. But I don't suppose it matters really, does it? I'm fine, I'm a perfectly functioning human being. I mean, I don't eat my 5-a-day or do any real exercise, but apart from that, I'm great. What I'm trying to say is that this whole post was just a ramble, an excuse to keep up-to-date with my own personal deadlines for posting at least once a week. Because these little spurts of wanting or needing to write shit down just comes out of nowhere. I came up with 'I ramble. A lot.' when I was halfway through my gammon and chips about half an hour ago. Because I gues im trying to say that, yes, my brain keeps me up at night, it makes me want to scream and cry and throw up, it sends panic attacks hurtling relentlessly towards me like Bullet Bills in Super Mario. But it makes me be able to do the only thing that I'm good at. It got into university, started this blog. It's writing a book.

So I couldn't be happier with where I am right now. I'm the perfect balance of unhappy and happy, of insane and sane. Which makes what I just said a lie, I could be happier, but I don't want to be. Happy people are the sort of people who write tumblr poems that make them sound deep and depressed, but they just spend too much time watching bad 80's movies. They're the sort of people who run 'pale' aesthetic Instagram accounts and refuse to put a case on their gold iPhone 6's. And there's two reasons why I'm not like them; 1.) I have a Windows phone and 2.) They're boring as fuck.