Them (just a little thought)

What would you say was the defining moment of a generation? For my parents, they'd probably talk about the Falklands or the Miners' strike. My grandparents would immediately say the war or the IRA, and I'd probably talk about 9/11 or Paris. It's horrible when you realise these 'moments' are all conflict-generated. They're all moments fuelled by hate. At a stretch my parents could mention the Berlin Wall, or the end of the apartheid, but what could I say. I remember where I was when Bin Laden was killed, and yes it was a great thing, but one of the biggest highlights of my generation is the death of an old coward who caused most of the other defining moments of my generation. 

You could say that these moments are just drops in the moral panic oceans, whose waters change every ten years to make way for a different tide. (Wow, ver philosophical) Another thing for society to panic about, because if we don't have panic, we don't have anything, do we? 

My mum refuses to go to big shopping centres around Christmas time because 'you don't know what will happen'. My auntie panics every time she has to get on a plane to America, not because of the fact that she's ten thousand feet in the air or because of the impossibility of flight but because, 'you don't know what will happen'. But that's just it, we don't know what's going to happen. We live in fear of something that might never happen, but all because there's a small possibility, we change the way we live our lives. And that makes them think they've won. And we can't let them think they've won. Isn't it ridiculous that I don't even have to give a name, and you know who 'they' are. They didn't even self-brand themselves, the name they brandish, the name that strikes fear into the hearts of nations, is a name we gave them.

So I'd say 2015 was a pretty shocking year as far as that goes. We all want 2016 to have as little resemblance to last year as much as possible. I mean, personally, last year was pretty shit in terms of losing a close family member but, socially, it was OK I guess. A lot of things ordinary people like us just have no power over, so whatever will be will be. And that isn't me saying that I don't care about the terrible stuff that's happened, as the stuff that's still to come. It's me saying that, as somebody who isn't a world leader or NATO operator, all I can do is know that the world will go on, with or without some people in it. So here's hoping 'some people' are the ones who don't deserve to be here, rather than the ones who do.

My Arsenal

So I actually got asked for advice the other day by someone who's suffering from something I've suffered with for a long time now. Like, another human actually came to me for advice. I felt flattered that I was the person in mind but also hella frightened that this idiot was the only source of information they had to go off. Anyway, they came to me asking for help with her anxiety so I sat for a while and tried to compose a defense Arsenal against panic attacks. And then I realised most of the stuff I wrote down made no sense and so I tried to just wing it. So this is some of the stuff I 'winged' and I hope it makes sense to some of you. And it'd be great (for my ego) if I thought this crap was actually helping somebody (other than my ego).

So, number one: talking to yourself.

I mean, unless you're alone or you don't give a shit, don't do it aloud. But if you feel like you're starting to panic, pick something to look at. Shops and signs are the best, so if you're in a shopping centre, which is where panic attacks tend to spring up on me, it's ironically the best place for you to do it. Anyway, look at stuff and literally say to yourself, 'that sign's pink' and 'that's a tall tree'. Then I like to make stupid stuff up like 'I wonder where that old lady lives? She looks like a Margaret. I bet she has annoying dog called Archie that craps everywhere whenever she leaves the house. I bet she named it after her late incontinent husband.' And you find your brain becomes focussed on something else and you can just ride out the wave, as it were.

Number two: a little tick.

For me, it's tapping my foot. But anything that has some sort of rhythm to it tends to give your brain something else to focus on. For a while my mum used to grab my leg until I told her that it helped. And you learn not to give a shit about what other people think, as long as it makes you feel relaxed, fuck them. I know it's hard to say that, especially because, when you're having a panic attack, you feel like the whole row of people in the fruit and veg isle at ASDA are looking at you. But I can guarantee you they're not. They're too busy concentrating on other things. You never know, in there heads they might be saying 'that apple's green' and you'd never know, would you?

Number three: banging tyunes.

Music. Music everywhere. Surround yourself with it. I never leave the house without my earphones. It's amazing how calming a beat or focus sing on the lyrics of a song can be. Just focus on everything. And, trying not to sound like a raving lunatic here but, make up stories. Make up situations in your head, look out the window and pretend you're in a music video. As sad as it sounds, it works. Plan out a meeting with Barack Obama, I don't care. Let your imagination massacre the anxiety.

Number four: chocolate.

Now, this one might be a tad disappointing because I'm not actually suggesting you eat a shit-tonne of chocolate, although you can do if you want to. But this is where you plan out something you're getting worked up about into sections (like a chocolate bar, geddit?) and when you complete a sections, you break off a piece. So every little thing you're panicking about is a square on the bar. Like in F.R.I.E.N.D.S. when Chandler runs away because he's shit scared about getting married and Ross says 'you're not getting married just yet, you're getting a cab, going home, taking a shower then getting dressed'. (And if you haven't seen F.R.I.E.N.D.S. then sucks for you. Not really, nobody got it anyway.)

Number five: body mapping

This is a Mindfulness strategy. Basically, you can do it standing up, sitting or laying down, but you focus on a part of your body then slowly work your way up. So focus on your feet, the your ankles, your knees, your thighs, your hips etc etc. Until you get to your head. Simple. You can do it in 30 seconds or 3 minutes, depending on the situation you're in. I do it sat in the middle of 2000 people in the common room at college, or I can do it sat on a bus. It doesn't matter. 

So there, that's all I've got. I hope it was at least a little literate. C for effort, A* for alliteration. 

R.

Bus Poems #1

So I realised that I'm on the bus a lot nowadays, so I thought I'd start putting those soul-crushing hours into good use by doing something for this blog thing I've got going on. So I thought why not do some poemy-stuff? Just warning y'all that busses are depressing so, chances are, these poems will be too.

The Rocks

Taking deep breaths isn't the most of it

Just some silly ritual

That gives me a bit

Of sanity to keep me swimming

To help my hands pass through

The breaking waves that have me clinging

Onto the rocks that have my name carved in

My fingertips bleeding from the calligraphy

Written not in ink

But in sheer will to be

With my head above the water

Just so they can see

How strong I am in heart and mind

As they read the artwork in the granite

But still they are blind

They are distracted by the sunlight

The beautiful gold on the blue

Driven in delight

As the ugly thing

That bleeds into the rocks

Tries to enunciate and sing

The verse that contaminates the cliff face

Now craning it's neck to catch the alms

They turn away disgraced

At the thing that they once recognised

Abandoning it with heartless deflection

They can't be surprised

When it calls out their names.

Being #sad

I feel like it's quite easy for people to say 'if you don't like the situation you're in, move on and get out of it'. Well, it's extremely easy for people to say that, but actually putting actions to those words is an entirely different thing. Take my life for example, I don't enjoy the job that I'm in, and I'd love nothing more to get out of that situation as these people suggest, but I can't. And, well, that's just life. I've only been there for a couple of months, I need the money and it won't look very good on my CV if I leave now. The cold hard fact of life being that you're going to encounter pricks wherever you go, and you can't always avoid them, in fact it's nion impossible to avoid most of them. So, they way I look at it is, you just have to face them head-on. 

I'm a strong believer in 'be the change you want to see', but that doesn't have to be like a change in the way the world works, more like something changing in your own life. Because, in the end, you are your world (if that makes any sense at at all. Cut me some slack, I'm writing this at 12 am). And that might sound self-indulgent - but it's true. Think of it this way, you and your friend are walking across the road, and you see a bus hurtling towards you, and, yes, you try and save your friend too, but the first natural thing that comes into your mind is 'holy fuck, I'm going to die'. And I think that it's wrong that our society has taught us that confidence in ourselves is a bad thing. Because, yes, I should have the confidence to quit my job, but I need the money to buy shit for myself. Do you see my predicament?

Because, yes, eventually I will get out. But money makes people happy, including myself. Money buys Christmas and birthday presents which ultimately buys you respect. And I like spending money on other people, because I want them to make me feel good about myself: 'why yes, thank you, I am a good person aren't I?' All this sounds horribly self-centred, but that's life. And I'm definitely not a self-centred person, ask anyone who knows me. Because I spend the majority of my life worrying about what others think of me. I mean, I don't even smile that much anymore because of my crooked teeth. 

And not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm not actually a 'happy' person. Robin Williams once said, 'I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make other people happy'. And, yes, this job does make me 'sad' (as we'll call it), but so do exams and life in general, and only whiney little pricks are the ones who spend their lives complaining about it and they're the ones who flit about inconsistently like the annoying little buzzing idiots that they are. And, maybe it's because I'm a Northerner, but I think you've just got to suck it up and ride it out. Because being 'sad' isn't a huge problem, a lot of people have it much worse than I do. Because I can't stand privileged kids who whine about 'aw, mummy and daddy didn't buy me the Fiat500 in the right shade of nuave blue'. Because, bitch, if that's all you've got to complain about, you need to find someone else to complain to.

R.